Fact: 63% of the world’s population eats goat meat…except you. No, you pretend you do, but you’ve actually never hunted & dined on true goat meat. I see you standing there crowing about how your roster is loaded with Grade A GOAT meat, but I’m not buying it.
Let’s do a little test. Lift your players up by the waist & take a peek at the sole of their foot. Just as I suspected, a UPC code! You didn’t hunt this GOAT! You thoughtlessly bought this goat in the frozen section of ADPMart, right next to the blueberry waffles and empanadas (why the breakfast foods & latin starters are mixed together is a whole other story). What I’m trying to say is it’s time we get your body on an all-natural, farm-to-table GOAT meat diet.
The first step is you need to stop shopping at ADPMart. I get it. Their prices are super low, but they are selling you low-grade products (and maybe a copy of Bad Boys II on Blu Ray). This will be the last time you brainlessly toss Kamar Aiken in your cart. Why? Because I’ve found you the healthier, cage-free and FAAB-free, alternative. Enter Jordan Leslie.
Jordan Leslie is a 24-year-old wide receiver who spent his senior year seeing the Book of Mormon daily as a BYU Cougar and is currently rooming with a Falcon’s future contract in a condo on the outskirts of Hotlanta. Back in 2013, Leslie turned a few heads and made his way onto the 2013 Biletnikoff “Watch List” while at the University of Texas El Paso, where he earned an engineering degree. Yeah, that’s right. This dude is reinforcing that your Semiotics degree from Brown wasn’t a sound investment (“But those parties I had at the TKE house; forever legendary, brah! 412 Quaker Street 4 Lyfe!”).
Aside from being smarter than a 5th grader, Leslie also tested out better than fellow UDFA Kamar Aiken. Seriously, I got this shit from Rotoviz. Look at those Per Game stats…you smell that? Mmmmm…that’s seasoned & proven goat meat in one of those Big Green Egg grills:
Also, this chart totally doesn’t even take into account how Kamar’s alma mater UCF has a logo that can only be described as a knight holding a dildo sword.
The slight edge goes to Leslie, even though BYU’s logo might have 37 wives sending care packages to Warren Jeffs while they are holed up in a gated compound.
Now, let’s take a closer look at who these gents really are, compliments of PlayerProfiler.com:
Here I have to give Aiken the edge because he actually smiled. Jordan, we can’t put lasers behind your photo. Get over it, dude!
Real talk, though: both of these guys broke out before the age of 20 and both had similar, below-average College Dominator Ratings. And even though good, old Mormon Leslie Neilson had a better SPARQ score, their athleticism is mirrored. But you know, Aiken was the WR1 for the Ravens this year so that’s apparently a “big deal.”
All I’m saying is you can keep Kamar for now. But, it’s time to ditch the overcooked ADPMart price-gouged, non-BPA free products and believe you can fly with an organic grass-fed goat like Jordan Leslie. For $1 of FAAB, you can own the Cougar who transformed into a Falcon. He’s a shape-shifter, man.
Final Note: Goat hunting really does take work/allows you to sound incredibly pathetic. Embrace it:
By Brian Donnelly | @B_Donnelly